You say that you are here to help me, but all you see is that I am number 3 to put another notch under your belt.
You don’t care about the number of times I placed my head in my pillow and wept.
The times I think that I am the walking dead. Fighting each moment just to get out of bed.
Okay, I was the tenth person you have tried to help go back school. You come to my house to pick me up, but you forgotten that I feared going back. Yeah I want to go back, but I am afraid I will have another panic attack.
I am more than just a number. I am a person that is living with an mental illness. This life I live is more than just putting a cover over a open wound.
I see and hear people talking that others don’t. I am more afraid of things that races in my mind. I am tried, mentally tried, and can’t seem to stop. My mind seems to do what it wants to, and I get so angry because I feel hopeless.
I Am More Than Just A Number!!
I am just a person that wants to live my life. I have a voice, so please let me speak. Help me by listening to me.
I Am More Than Just A Number
So many things rushing through my mind, some good and some bad. I have a lot of goals I want to do, but I can’t seem to get it together in my head. Man!! I am so tried of fighting in my head, and so I write.
I always loved to write. On the back of the phone book, and anywhere I could find a place to write. My name, my families name you name it I wrote it down.
This is one of my ways that I cope to help relax my mind. I can’t hold all this stuff in my head, and so I write. I will write when I am sad, mad, and confused. I will write when I can’t seem to talk to not one, and so I write.
And so I write….
And so I write….
And so I write…
I don’t mind you talking to me at all. If my phone is still on, I will answer every time you would call. I understand holding things inside makes things seems better. You don’t want to bother anyone, so I write myself a letter. I felt it was better to keep it to myself because when I try to express myself people would take me the wrong way. Heck! I did not know how to get my words together anyway. Stress is not a friend of mine, for when it comes to me it takes me down a road I can’t seem to control. Stress for me is not normal, for I really go into a overload.
Okay I can’t help everybody, and solve everybody’s problems! I am not God. Lolol
I have to take a break, slow down, and remember to walk out the Lord plans for my life. I am blessed for the position God has opened for me as a Certified Peer Support Specialist in mental health services. I am a person that is living with an mental illness, and I am that face of hope. However, I can’t be my best if I don’t stop and take a break for my recovery journey.
I know I am not just speaking of me, but for those of you guys that needs to do the same thing.
Take a little break you guys!!
I am grateful for:
My personal relationship with God.
My awesome and loving kids.
My loving mom, and brother.
My Job, and co-workers.
A peaceful place to live.
Food to eat
Clothes to wear
*****We all need to take time out and notice the positive things in our lives.*****
It’s new year, and I have a new job. I am excited, but my anxiety and depression has been kind of up lately.
I am a Certified Peer Support Specialist, and that was one of the goals that I have accomplished through the help of God. I was blessed to get a job quick in a mental health facility. So why am I so fearful? I haven’t worked in about 2 years. I build up the nerves to get a part-time job, so I got over that bump. Start feeling good, but you all know how it started to go. ( Note: For those that has a mental illness like me)lol I felt the depression coming on and my anxiety too, but I was holding on. Then I got the call about the peer support job. Yay!!! part-time job, and this is what I’ve been praying for. Oh no!! This is a full-time position. Oh Lord!!! I went into a big panic attack. The same feeling when I was about to start the part-time job at the bookstore. I had to calm myself down before I passed out. I had to pray to God, and talk to myself. “You have been here before, and you can do this. It is not bad as you think. God just blessed you to get over one hump, and now He has blessed you to get over this one too.
I truly thank God for being with me. Another step forward is what it is all about. It is not that easy for me, but taking those steps means a great deal. Yes, the racing thoughts comes. Yes, I want to, and have cried. Yes, I want to just get into my comfort zone, keep to myself, and times I had to still away to get myself together. However, it is still another step forward. Yes, the fear of losing some apron strings that I have held on to for years. I know what I need to do that helps me feel better. However, it is still another step forward, and I thank God for Him holding me every step of the way.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!!
No one really knows what tomorrow may bring. The thoughts of happiness is a great desire that we all want. To see the sun shining bright and the kids playing outside without fear. Seeing the friendly faces on our neighbors as we sit on our porch. Lending a helping hand to those in need, and feeling blessed by doing so.
Life can get tough at times, and it seems like all hell has broken lose. But just take a deep breath, pray, and know that this too will pass. God got ya!!
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