It’s new year, and I have a new job. I am excited, but my anxiety and depression has been kind of up lately.
I am a Certified Peer Support Specialist, and that was one of the goals that I have accomplished through the help of God. I was blessed to get a job quick in a mental health facility. So why am I so fearful? I haven’t worked in about 2 years. I build up the nerves to get a part-time job, so I got over that bump. Start feeling good, but you all know how it started to go. ( Note: For those that has a mental illness like me)lol I felt the depression coming on and my anxiety too, but I was holding on. Then I got the call about the peer support job. Yay!!! part-time job, and this is what I’ve been praying for. Oh no!! This is a full-time position. Oh Lord!!! I went into a big panic attack. The same feeling when I was about to start the part-time job at the bookstore. I had to calm myself down before I passed out. I had to pray to God, and talk to myself. “You have been here before, and you can do this. It is not bad as you think. God just blessed you to get over one hump, and now He has blessed you to get over this one too.
I truly thank God for being with me. Another step forward is what it is all about. It is not that easy for me, but taking those steps means a great deal. Yes, the racing thoughts comes. Yes, I want to, and have cried. Yes, I want to just get into my comfort zone, keep to myself, and times I had to still away to get myself together. However, it is still another step forward. Yes, the fear of losing some apron strings that I have held on to for years. I know what I need to do that helps me feel better. However, it is still another step forward, and I thank God for Him holding me every step of the way.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!!
It’s been about 2 years since I lasted worked. Anxiety and depression was the deal with my last job, and plus me trying to return back to College to get my BA degree. It did not turn out the way I expected. I am very nervous of the “What if this happened?” symptom flooding my mind.
” What’s the problem? It’s only a part-time job, so you want be working that much.” You are so right. I have asked myself that about a billion times already in my head. “Girl just pray about it, and get over it.” Child you are so right, and I do pray. I listen to my gospel music and get my praise on. I read my bible, and affirmations. I will write in my journal, and sometimes do some crafting to help calm me down. All of that is very helpful as I walk my road of recovery for this illness.
I get so angry at myself because I just can not “just get over it.” I know what I need to do, so why is it not working. Come on, come on, but your not moving. Brain frozen, and my concentration is too. I love my family and friends, but at times they make me sick. I enjoy being with them, but times I just want to be alone. I feel peace when my surrounding is nice and neat, but sometimes I get sick when I have to clean up. I love going places but there are times I just want to stay at home, and be to myself.
I know I just said a lot of things just then, but this is just how I can explain some of the things I go through. Lord! I can write some books!! lol
My journey of mental illness is the road I live with, but I am strong. For years I didn’t feel like I was, but God has shown me that I am though Him. There are many illness out there, but none of them can bet God! I know that is by my personal relationship with God that I am still here, and I give Him all the glory!!!!
No one understands me but those that are with me. We are the same as others, but look at things much different from they do. Some people feel that we just want to be seen, and love all the attention. We can be a headache at times, but can be the best of friends. Our thoughts can get the best of us, and you can make us sick at times. Hey, we get mad with ourselves too. We didn’t ask to be this way it is just us. We try to be opened, and communicate with you, but we feel better being alone. You can’t even imagine what our lives is on a daily basis. You all think that we are lazy, and don’t want to do anything. They think that we are stupid, and look bad. You all feel that you have us all figured out. That is all a lie!! You don’t know us at all, and don’t seem to care. At least that is what we think. Those that are with me can only understand what I am talking about. We are the only family that can relate to each other on this journey. We do thank the others that try to help and support us. We are glad we have each other no matter of race, age, or gender.